I was diagnosed with MS on the 27th of February 2012. Having spent the three years prior going back and forth to the doctors with referrals to the hospital for investigations, that was the day that I finally realised I hadn’t been imaging it or exaggerating. I had been experiencing random patches of numbness, stabbing pain, itching, pain in my feet and fatigue that would come and go and so I’d told myself that I just wasn’t eating well enough, wasn’t drinking enough water, wasn’t working out enough. I told myself that I needed to work harder and got mad at myself when I failed to get better. I was frustrated with being tested for diabetes and cauda equina. Then there was that one time I was asked whether I used recreational drugs in the A&E department of a hospital that I had presented to with my manager at the time after suddenly experiencing symptoms of being drunk whilst at work.
The diagnosis wasn’t the worst part, it was daunting yes; it was confusing, and it filled me with questions about what was happening, what it meant and what the future would look like, but it also validated the years of questioning what was wrong with me, the years trying to get people to believe that something was going on and that the symptoms were not normal and I wasn’t making them up. It allowed me to give myself some grace, I wasn’t a failure, I wasn’t lazy, and it wasn’t all in my head, there was something happening inside of me and having it officially diagnosed gave me the opportunity to learn all about it and understand what it meant for me. I booked therapy from my hospital bed. After years of trauma outside of my diagnosis and refusing to talk to someone about it, this was the moment I decided to get help to make sure I that processed what was happening in the best way. In the months to follow I emailed my university course leader and told her that I wasn’t lazy, I was unwell and now that I knew what was wrong, I would like to come back and finish my course. As a community development graduate, I now work as a technical director supporting the development of social impact strategies and acting as a disability advocate raising awareness of MS in the built environment. As challenging as the last 12 years have been my diagnosis wasn’t the end, it was the beginning of my journey and the start of developing a new identity one that allows me to have deeper empathy and a greater understanding of myself and others.